Pharmaceutical medications and homeopathy

I've had some people asking what kinds of meds I'm on right now, so I thought I'd write a quick post about that, in case others are interested. Right now I am taking:

AM
1 citalopram 40mg (anti-depressant)
1 aripiprazole 10mg (anti-psychotic)

AFT
1 clonazapram o.5 mg (anti anxiety) I take this dose, as needed

NIGHT
3 lithium 900mg (mood stabilizer)
1 clonazapam (anti anxiety)
1 zopliclone (sleeping pill) but I have recently stopped taking this! Yay!

It's quite the cocktail of medications, and I've gone through many many different kinds like Olanzapine and Quetiapine, Lamotrigine, etc etc, none of which have worked, and all of which have given me terrible symptoms.

With the current meds I'm on, my symptoms (or med side effects) are minor, some tiredness, stomach pains, but the main thing is that I am very very confused a lot of the time. Like I am not able to concentrate on anything for very long, even things like conversations with people are really hard to focus on, especially if there is other stuff going on. I also cannot drive in the city anymore bc of all the distractions, its just too overwhelming. This is partially a side effect of the lithium, but also a symptom of the bipolar.

However, this week I am going to see a homeopath, which is a doctor specializing in natural remedies basically. And then in march I'm going to an iridologist to see what herbs she recommends. I am preparing myself with research in alternative medicine, bc my medications have not been working up until this point. Also, if I were to ever get pregnant I couldn't be on any of these meds, and that would make pregnancy and motherhood extra stressful. So it's planning for the far future, but I think it's wise to think of now already.
I am excited to learn more about natural medicine and herbs and to see what the homeopath recommends!

If you have any other questions about bipolar or me, please ask and I can better know what to post!

The old Richelle, hard marriage, mania and more

I have a jumble of thoughts in my head today, so this post will most likely be all over the place and sporadic.

I'll start at the beginning of the week... I was feeling really really down looking at the person I had become. There had been some pictures on Facebook that made an appearance again after many years, of me smiling and having a great time. I remember the memories and times around those photos, and I started to grieve the loss of that person. She was so outgoing, energetic, always up for an adventure, loved caring for people etc etc. It was like I entered a state of mourning. Mourning the loss of myself.
I feel like bipolar has taken everything from me, and left me with nothing. I know you're probably thinking 'oh but you have this and this and this'. But in my ill mind, I don't buy it. It doesn't make sense.
But to combat these thoughts of "that old Richelle is gone and never coming back", I've framed tones of pictures, and put tones more on my fridge and walls, of me smiling and enjoying life with other people. It looks like I'm super conceited if you walk into our house, haha, but it really does help. It's part of my visual therapy, that if I can see myself looking happy with people I love, I remember that person is still in there somewhere.
When I get healthy, that old Richelle may not come back, but maybe she will. It may be a journey of learning to accept the 'new healthy' me, I'm not sure.

I also realized that Ryan and I do not know what it is like to have a normal marriage, without this third member of bipolar looming over us. Our first year of marriage we thought we were incompatible, terrible for each other, fought all the time, and wanted a divorce. We thought it was us. We thought we sucked. It's only now that I'm realizing, it's the bipolar that was infecting our relationship. Some of it was of course, first year marriage problems. But my anger, irritation, depression, and terrible "attitude" was me going on and off meds, trying to find something that worked. I was quite oblivious to my illness then.
I had gone to a mental hospital a month before marriage, and came out thinking that it was done now. I think everyone thought "ok she's better, lets move on", myself included. I was so unaware of my symptoms, and triggers that everything that went wrong, or every part of my mood that wasn't "happy" became my fault. I was a terrible person, I thought.

Now I'll jump to today and the last few days. I was in a major funk. I canceled my support group, only went to therapy for 15 min, wasn't talking much, was drained and deeply depressed. But then, some of my favourite people in the world confirmed they were coming over on Friday evening (yesterday), and something clicked. I got EXCITED, and high and elevated. For the next two days I cleaned the house frantically, cleaning the same things over and over, arranging furniture in our house (heavy furniture) over and over, arranging art on our walls, framing art that needed frames, printing off pictures and framing them, getting new toys for my niece Neveah to play with, had the neighbours over for tea, helped run the espresso bar at a fundraiser, and slept very very very little!
Now that sounds a lot like hypomania to me. But it was different in the sense that I actually ENJOYED the things I was doing. To my therapist or psychiatrist, that would be a huge improvement because usually I enjoy very little.
It is utterly amazing to me how this family has so much power and influence, and bring so much joy into my deepest pain. The way they listen, ask meaningful questions, are willing to be vulnerable themselves, their sense of humour, they are all around refreshing. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't trust and respect many people. I don't listen to many people's advice. But I trust what they say, I learn from them, I love their values. I want to be like them. Haha, basically they're my heroes. Mark, Amy, and Jude, I love you guys so much!

So today is the next day, and I'm still feeling good! I thought I would crash and go back into depression, but I didn't. It's weird, because I am hesitant to indulge in this goodness because I know it is fleeting. But at the same time I am taking every advantage I can.
To be honest though, it makes me nervous when someone close to me asks "how are you" and I say "good", because I get scared they'll think I'm "all better" or don't need anymore support.

Speaking of support... My dear friend Candice has arranged a meal train for Ryan and I! I couldn't be more thankful, because cooking is nearly impossible when I am battling bipolar everyday, there just isn't the concentration, memory, energy, or ability to stick with it. So it's awesome what she's doing, and why everyone is doing by providing meals for us, I am sooooo great full, and have the best community ever!!!!!!

What is bi polar

What is bi polar disorder?

Bi polar disorder is an abnormal fluctuation in extreme moods varying between elevated moods (mania) and lows (depression) with periods of stability. Both men and women are affected equally, with the average age of onset approx 28, however children and teens and seniors can also be affected. Approx 3% of the population are said to have the disorder.

The dramatic fluctuation in mood is referred to as an episode or mood swing. The severity, frequency, and length of episodes vary from one person to the next. Without treatment and proper care, the frequency and severity of this chronic disorder can increase. Bi polar is very hard to diagnose because many people will only complain about the depressive symptoms, not thinking anything of the 'highs' because they just think they are feeling great. However early diagnosis is really important because it can lessen the effects of the disorder. People with bipolar have a 80% risk for alcohol and substance abuse. Marital fluctuation, chronic unemployment, and suicide are also prevalent.

There are 2 types of bipolar. Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. The main difference is that with bipolar 1, you have full blown mania symptoms, and in bipolar 2 you have a less extreme mania called a hypo mania state.

Criteria for diagnoses:
Bi polar 1 - at least one episode of mania or mixed state in your LIFETIME
Bi polar 2 - at least one episode of hypomania in your LIFETIME
- at least one episode of major depressive disorder in your LIFETIME
Bi polar with rapid cycling - meets criteria for bipolar 1 or 2
- four or more episodes of major depressive disorder, or manic/hypomania disorder in any 1 year

Symptoms of mania:
Increased physical and mental energy
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self confidence
Excessive irritability, aggressive behaviour
Little need for sleep
Racing speech, racing thoughts
Impulsiveness, poor judgement, distract ability
Reckless behaviour such as spending sprees, erratic driving etc
Delusions or hallucinations

Symptoms of depression:
Unexplained crying spells
Irritability, anger
Worry, agitation, extreme anxiety
Indifference
Loss of energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and hopelessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
No longer interested in previous interests
Recurring thoughts of death and suicide

How it affects me:
Now that was a very general description of what bi polar is, and I didn't even cover everything. Bi polar is very different from person to person. You can't just diagnose someone and then think they fit into the little box of a medical title. There are variations and complications. For example, I experience many mixed states, which is feeling manic and depressed at the same time.
I was first diagnosed with bi polar 2, but recently it's been looking a little fuzzy.
Most of the time when I am unstable, I am depressed or in a mixed state. Very rarely do I experience a hypomanic state only. I mentioned above the diagnoses of bi polar with rapid cycling, which is what I have. It's crazy to me to think that someone could just experience ONE manic and ONE depressive episode in their LIFETIME and still have bipolar. That is not what I know. I know my day can change on a dime from great to hellish. I am constantly fluctuationing from being ok to screaming my lungs out, or bawling my eyes out. My dog Benji is terrified of me when I get like that, it's the saddest thing ever.
I was going to put a little star besides the symptoms that I experience but I ended up basically starring everything.

I want to thank EVERYONE for all of there support and encouragement since sharing my blog publicly, I was doing so good after sharing and felt the prayers of those who prayed, which is big coming from me, a prayer cynic. Sunday evening brought a lot of turmoil back into my life and I was so angry that I couldn't hold onto that goodness for longer. It's like I've become angrier than ever, screaming at Ryan, throwing things, banging on the walls, I am just so angry. I can't find peace.
I am currently on lithium, as you know if you've read that here, and I hear of people feeling better in a matter of weeks. It's been almost 2 months now since starting lithium and I'm beginning to feel worse. It's just so discouraging you know? I want my life back already. But I have a doctor appt tomorrow so I hope something changes or gets dealt with.

Again thank you for your support.
Many of you have asked how you can help, and honestly, just meals. I have no motivation, concentration, energy to cook, and it's not fair to Ryan to have to come home and make me supper after he's been working all day. Talk about guilt trip.

I have bipolar, surprise.

(Deep breath)

Up until now I have kept this blog for close friends and family, and those that could possibly relate to my story. But I've come to the point where I am ready to share it with everyone who wants to read and learn about mental illness, and mainly bipolar. 

I have heard/seen several stories within the last 2 weeks of people suffering from mental illness in silence, not telling anyone. I think that is awful, and terribly sad, and it has motivated me to share my story to a broader community. I truly believe that the only way the stigma around mental health can be lessened, is by talking about it, and learning about it. 

This blog is like my journal, it is intimate to me, and brutally honest. I have asked myself "Have these people earned the right to hear my story?" No, most likely not. But it's not just about me anymore. I hear of other people suffering and I see and feel the stigma every day, and something has to be done. Something has to change. People talk openly about cancer, or diabetes, or arthritis, so why not mental illness? Because it's complicated. It's complicated to separate what is Richelle and what is bi polar. It's emotional, its a mind game, it's a roller coaster. I worry about people thinking "she's going crazy", but I'm not, I'M JUST ILL!! I'm sick and it just looks different than what you're used to seeing. 

So for those of you who are new to my blog, I'm going to give you a quick run down of my history:

2006- Diagnosed with depression, went on an antidepressant.

2010- Started having periods of insane excitement, pressured speech, not sleeping (which is referred to                                          

           as a manic or hypomanic stage)

2011- Symptoms of intense anger and rage, irritability (more mania symptoms)

        - March-April...Severely depressed, mixed alcohol and medication, which led to my aunt taking me to the emergency room in Winnipeg. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar and admitted me into their psych ward. It was a living hell in that ward, so I left immediately (more on that another time) and went to a local emergency instead where I was admitted into Eden Mental Health Centre. I was then seen daily by psychiatrists, helping me with my new diagnosis etc. 

        -May..... One month later I got married (so crazy to think back on!)

        -June - December.... Terrible marital problems due to my illness, but was able to hold onto a job and participate in life

2012 - Feb.... things went downhill and I left my job. I was extremely unstable for months

         -May... Felt a little better and got a new full time job

         -June... Left my new job due to anxiety and bipolar flaring up and I got MONO, augh!

         -September..... Overdosed on my medications (intentionally), was sent to Emergency

         -October-November...... Living hell on earth. Extreme episodes like never before, extreme                                   anxiety, suicidal, etc. Was admitted back into Eden at the end of November.

         -December... Discharged from Eden and went home in "recovery" condition. 

2013 - No sign of change, new medications aren't working, and I spend most of my time at home in bed watching tv or trying to distract myself from depressive thoughts. 

So that is a VERY brief timeline. And if you are new to the blog, I suggest you start reading from the very beginning (I think I created this blog in November when things were the worst, just before I went to Eden).

If you're a familiar reader, I have a very cool post to share with you next time about the Brad Jersak Conference at my Church last weekend. Wild stuff.

Crazy week

This has been quite the crazy week.
A lot has happened that is worth noting....

Last Friday I saw a psychiatrist because I am STILL not feeling better with the current medications and therapy, so he upped my lithium levels and added a different sleeping pill etc etc. I began taking these changes Friday night.... Well during the night on Friday I noticed I had a headache but I was half asleep, and the headache was keeping me from getting REAL sleep. When I woke up fully I realized I had immense pain all throughout my forehead and that my right eye was swollen and brown. I immediately looked up side effects of my new sleeping pill, trazadone, and sure enough, headaches and swollen face amongst many others. The pain was unlike anything I had experienced and I thought I was going to have to go to emergency, but Ryan went to the pharmacy and got some pills that knocked me right out so I couldn't feel the pain. Needless to say, I am not taking trazadone anymore.....

What's been interesting this week is that I've been having some manic symptoms. For me this means talking to myself out loud when I think I'm doing it in my head, talking very fast with pressured speech about random things for long periods of time, DOING lots of things, can't sit still, shaking or tapping a lot, and a lot of irritation and anger outbursts.
The littlest thing could trigger me into anger and I would flip out, smacking a pillow all over the walls, knocking things over, screaming at Ryan and not remembering why etc.
As I began to realize that I was somewhat manic, I began to fear I was going crazy which lead me into depression. And then I entered a mixed state. A mixed state is rare for anyone with bipolar and basically means you are experiencing manic and depressive episodes at the same time. Ugh. That is the worst.

BUT a very good thing did happen, I CALLED FOR HELP! Ryan was home for lunch and I was sobbing, freaking out that I was crazy, whilst talking a mile a minute about anything that came to mind. Without thinking about it much, I picked up the phone and called my most trusted friend Jenny and asked if she could come over. She was over in minutes.
This is the first time I have asked for help from someone other than my parents or Ryan. NO ONE else has ever seen me in an episode, until Jenny. She was so calm, listened to my crazy rants intently, didn't treat me as if I was a child, gave feedback when needed, comforted me, told me I wasn't crazy and totally calmed me down!!!!
This was a crazy big step for me, because I am always so afraid of people seeing me like that, and I never want to burden anyone. But Jenny is awesome, oh heavens I love her so much.

Lastly, just this evening, I attended a conference with our church. Another huge deal, because i havent been in a public group setting in a loooong time. I hate groups, and I hate small talk. But Ryan was running the espresso bar, so I mainly just stood behind the counter trying to look busy so people wouldn't talk to me, lol. And then when the teach started I sat in the back on the floor so I could wiggle and have space. Anyways, the song 'you're my healer' was being played and I just started crying....

"You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need"

Yeah......no. I wasn't buying it. 'You calm my raging seas'? No, you don't!
'You heal all my disease' No, you don't. In fact you keeping giving me MORE problems.
'I trust in you' This hit me hard. No, I don't trust you anymore. This is sad for me. I don't trust Jesus? No, that can't be. But it is, deep within my heart I found this resentment and doubt in Jesus.

Not sure where this will go from here. I guess I have some battles to duke out. Whatever that means.

It's 3:30 AM and I haven't slept yet. Can you say manic?!