i have lived pain

A lot of people have been asking how I have been doing lately, so I thought it was time for an update post.
Basically to sum up the past month or so, I have felt like people were saying to me (whether its true or not) that I was TOO emotional, I was TOO sensitive, I was TOO angry, I was TOO much..... so I shut off my emotions, or at least that's what it looked like to the outside world. Suddenly, people thought I was doing healthier, getting better, more functional. They were seeing what they wanted to see, and I was giving it to them. In therapy, my therapist talks about over control and under control; both are not healthy states of mind. In under control you get those strong coming out in inappropriate ways or situations and it feels like you have no control over your emotions, they just consume you. But in over control (which usually happens when someone is feeling like they are "too much"), you start numbing your emotions. The emotions are still there, but you ignore them and pretend they are not there. Unfortunately it is like a pop bottle being shook up, eventually the lid will pop off....
This has been my life lately, the lid of the bottle is beginning to pop off every now and then and it's a real challenge. When the lid pops open, the emotions feel much more intense and dangerous. I've been having suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm. I don't even know what to do about that! I don't know where to find peace or calm or stability. I try to go to my meeting place with Jesus, but I'm not able to find any peace and calm there.
There is a quote that my friend Jadyn (shout out!) shared with me, that I have been clinging too. It brings me peace and hope and a quiet stillness within my spirit and I will share it with you now.....

" I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I've seen the hungry and the guns that go to war. I HAVE LIVED PAIN, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives. Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in the solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world" Anne Voskamp

Powerlessness

Power Which Feels Like Powerlessness
A daily meditation by Richard Rohr

The supreme irony of the whole crucifixion scene is this: he who was everything had everything taken away from him. He who was seemingly “perfect” (Hebrews 1:3, 5:9) was totally misjudged as “sin” itself (Romans 8:3-4). How can we be that mistaken? The crucified Jesus forever reveals to us how wrong both religious and political authorities can be, and how utterly wrong we all can be—about who is in the right and who is sinful (John 16:8). The crowd, who represents all of us, chose Barabbas, a common thief, over Jesus. That is how much we can misperceive, misjudge, and be mistaken.

Jesus hung in total solidarity with the pain of the world and the far too many lives on this planet that have been “nasty, lonely, brutish, and short.” After the cross, we know that God is not watching human pain, nor apparently always stopping human pain, as much as God is found hanging with us alongside all human pain. Jesus’ ministry of healing and death, of solidarity with the crucified of history, forever tells us that God is found wherever the pain is. This leaves God on both sides of every war, in sympathy with both the pain of the perpetrator and the pain of the victim, with the excluded, the tortured, the abandoned, and the oppressed since the beginning of time. I wonder if we even like that. There are no games of moral superiority left for us now. Yet this is exactly the kind of Lover and the universal Love that humanity needs.

This is exactly how Jesus “redeemed the world by the blood of the cross.” It was not some kind of heavenly transaction, or “paying a price” to an offended God, as much as a cosmic communion with all that humanity has ever loved and ever suffered. If Jesus was paying any price it was to the hard and resistant defenses around our hearts and bodies. God has loved us from all eternity.

Adapted from The Great Themes of Scripture: New Testament
(available from Franciscan Media)

Soft balance

I don't even know what to write anymore.
Things are just bumpy, inconsistent. I can't say I'm doing good. I can't say I'm doing bad. I had a great weekend with great people, but an awful Monday evening. Anxiety is still building, but creativity is flowing.
It's such an eb and flow, I never know what to expect.
I'm finding myself comparing my journey to others who experience suffering, and end up frustrated that I can't will this away. That I can't just make up my mind to be happy, because I want to. And I try, which only makes things worse because it doesn't work. You'd think I would KNOW this already, but it's so hard. I feel alone in my illness, when everyone around me isn't struggling with this. I feel alone.

I said I would update you on some recent paintings. This one is a commission piece I did for some close friends. It is called "soft balance" and is all about finding balance in life. Whether that be work and home, rest and play, romance and friendship, mania and depression. Balance.
What a big word. The white splatters represent all the chaos and noise going on around us that make it so hard to achieve the balance that is underneath it all, waiting to be found, to be seen.

The first picture is a progression series and the second is "soft balance" in it's new home.

Painting, distraction and anxiety

If you're friends with my on Facebook you will have probably noticed that I have been doing a lot of artwork lately! Oh boy, have I indeed! My creative flow comes and goes, and this time it is coming with great force and motivation. Which feels great bc I haven't been creative in so so long. I've done a few commission large scale paintings, and a lot of watercolour portraits. Some of the pieces I've done were done in memory of someone who had passed away, and each time I would get a vision of that person in heaven. I would be moved to tears, where I has to stop painting and just let Jesus speak to me. It was such a powerful experience.
I hope to show you all my new paintings, and explain their meaning to me in the next while, but right now concentration is really hard for me.
It has taken me 2 weeks to write this short post so far.
I can't concentrate on anything. Conversations. Cooking. Reading. Driving. Grocery shopping. Playing games. Everything is full of distractions.
I'm also very hard to entertain these days. It used me that I would just put on a tv show and I'd be good to go! But I hate watching tv now bc it is so boring. Painting and organizing seem to be the only two things that I like to do.

The other change is that my anxiety has been through the roof lately. I don't know what causes it, but I'm up and awake at 3 am most days, working around the house, filled with anxiety. If I have to leave the house for something I feel scared. Scared! Like fearful and I start sweating and crying and my heart is racing. It's fear. I know rationally I have nothing to worry about, but that doesn't matter. It is not situational anxiety!

Can anyone else relate to that?!

Until next time,
Richelle

Here is one of the paintings I recently finished.

Honest cries of a breaking heart

I dont have much energy to say anything. today was a bad day, and it felt like i was relapsing into something. i have no words to describe this feeling to you so i will leave you with two devotionals that have sustained me lately...

HERE
"Divine love is received by surrender instead of any performance principle whatsoever."
"The great thing about God’s love is that it’s not determined by the object. God does not love us because we are good. God loves us because God is good. It takes our whole lives for that to sink in, along with lots of trials and testing of divine love, because that’s not how human love operates."

AND HERE
I love where Richard Rohr says "After the cross, we know that God is not watching human pain, nor apparently always stopping human pain, as much as God is found hanging with us alongside all human pain. Jesus’ ministry of healing and death, of solidarity with the crucified of history, forever tells us that God is found wherever the pain is. "


It is because of words like these that I am able to sing,
"We pour out a melody, god just hears a melody.
Beautiful the mess we are, honest cries of a breaking heart,
Are better than a hallelujah sometimes"

From dark to light

This will be a shorter post, more so just to update you with my current situation.
I've been feeling relatively healthy for the last two weeks, and it's been a strange experience. It happened fairly suddenly, the up swing of my moods, so I am hesitant to talk about it because I'm afraid it will go away and back to the darkness.
It's funny though, at first when I started feeling better, I felt like I missed my depressed mind. I had been severely depressed for so many months, that was my normal. And now I didn't know what to do with my days, what to blog or talk about. I liked my dark mind, in some twisted way only people with depression could understand.
But this relief, even if it is soon to go, has been helpful for myself, and for Ryan, and it has given us both some time to recharge and refuel for the next big bang.

Side note: has anyone seen the movie "Silverlinings Playbook"?
It's about a guy who has bipolar, and a girl who has depression or borderline personality disorder. I'd like to talk about that movie on this blog, so what are your initial thoughts? Questions?

Pharmaceutical medications and homeopathy

I've had some people asking what kinds of meds I'm on right now, so I thought I'd write a quick post about that, in case others are interested. Right now I am taking:

AM
1 citalopram 40mg (anti-depressant)
1 aripiprazole 10mg (anti-psychotic)

AFT
1 clonazapram o.5 mg (anti anxiety) I take this dose, as needed

NIGHT
3 lithium 900mg (mood stabilizer)
1 clonazapam (anti anxiety)
1 zopliclone (sleeping pill) but I have recently stopped taking this! Yay!

It's quite the cocktail of medications, and I've gone through many many different kinds like Olanzapine and Quetiapine, Lamotrigine, etc etc, none of which have worked, and all of which have given me terrible symptoms.

With the current meds I'm on, my symptoms (or med side effects) are minor, some tiredness, stomach pains, but the main thing is that I am very very confused a lot of the time. Like I am not able to concentrate on anything for very long, even things like conversations with people are really hard to focus on, especially if there is other stuff going on. I also cannot drive in the city anymore bc of all the distractions, its just too overwhelming. This is partially a side effect of the lithium, but also a symptom of the bipolar.

However, this week I am going to see a homeopath, which is a doctor specializing in natural remedies basically. And then in march I'm going to an iridologist to see what herbs she recommends. I am preparing myself with research in alternative medicine, bc my medications have not been working up until this point. Also, if I were to ever get pregnant I couldn't be on any of these meds, and that would make pregnancy and motherhood extra stressful. So it's planning for the far future, but I think it's wise to think of now already.
I am excited to learn more about natural medicine and herbs and to see what the homeopath recommends!

If you have any other questions about bipolar or me, please ask and I can better know what to post!

The old Richelle, hard marriage, mania and more

I have a jumble of thoughts in my head today, so this post will most likely be all over the place and sporadic.

I'll start at the beginning of the week... I was feeling really really down looking at the person I had become. There had been some pictures on Facebook that made an appearance again after many years, of me smiling and having a great time. I remember the memories and times around those photos, and I started to grieve the loss of that person. She was so outgoing, energetic, always up for an adventure, loved caring for people etc etc. It was like I entered a state of mourning. Mourning the loss of myself.
I feel like bipolar has taken everything from me, and left me with nothing. I know you're probably thinking 'oh but you have this and this and this'. But in my ill mind, I don't buy it. It doesn't make sense.
But to combat these thoughts of "that old Richelle is gone and never coming back", I've framed tones of pictures, and put tones more on my fridge and walls, of me smiling and enjoying life with other people. It looks like I'm super conceited if you walk into our house, haha, but it really does help. It's part of my visual therapy, that if I can see myself looking happy with people I love, I remember that person is still in there somewhere.
When I get healthy, that old Richelle may not come back, but maybe she will. It may be a journey of learning to accept the 'new healthy' me, I'm not sure.

I also realized that Ryan and I do not know what it is like to have a normal marriage, without this third member of bipolar looming over us. Our first year of marriage we thought we were incompatible, terrible for each other, fought all the time, and wanted a divorce. We thought it was us. We thought we sucked. It's only now that I'm realizing, it's the bipolar that was infecting our relationship. Some of it was of course, first year marriage problems. But my anger, irritation, depression, and terrible "attitude" was me going on and off meds, trying to find something that worked. I was quite oblivious to my illness then.
I had gone to a mental hospital a month before marriage, and came out thinking that it was done now. I think everyone thought "ok she's better, lets move on", myself included. I was so unaware of my symptoms, and triggers that everything that went wrong, or every part of my mood that wasn't "happy" became my fault. I was a terrible person, I thought.

Now I'll jump to today and the last few days. I was in a major funk. I canceled my support group, only went to therapy for 15 min, wasn't talking much, was drained and deeply depressed. But then, some of my favourite people in the world confirmed they were coming over on Friday evening (yesterday), and something clicked. I got EXCITED, and high and elevated. For the next two days I cleaned the house frantically, cleaning the same things over and over, arranging furniture in our house (heavy furniture) over and over, arranging art on our walls, framing art that needed frames, printing off pictures and framing them, getting new toys for my niece Neveah to play with, had the neighbours over for tea, helped run the espresso bar at a fundraiser, and slept very very very little!
Now that sounds a lot like hypomania to me. But it was different in the sense that I actually ENJOYED the things I was doing. To my therapist or psychiatrist, that would be a huge improvement because usually I enjoy very little.
It is utterly amazing to me how this family has so much power and influence, and bring so much joy into my deepest pain. The way they listen, ask meaningful questions, are willing to be vulnerable themselves, their sense of humour, they are all around refreshing. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't trust and respect many people. I don't listen to many people's advice. But I trust what they say, I learn from them, I love their values. I want to be like them. Haha, basically they're my heroes. Mark, Amy, and Jude, I love you guys so much!

So today is the next day, and I'm still feeling good! I thought I would crash and go back into depression, but I didn't. It's weird, because I am hesitant to indulge in this goodness because I know it is fleeting. But at the same time I am taking every advantage I can.
To be honest though, it makes me nervous when someone close to me asks "how are you" and I say "good", because I get scared they'll think I'm "all better" or don't need anymore support.

Speaking of support... My dear friend Candice has arranged a meal train for Ryan and I! I couldn't be more thankful, because cooking is nearly impossible when I am battling bipolar everyday, there just isn't the concentration, memory, energy, or ability to stick with it. So it's awesome what she's doing, and why everyone is doing by providing meals for us, I am sooooo great full, and have the best community ever!!!!!!

What is bi polar

What is bi polar disorder?

Bi polar disorder is an abnormal fluctuation in extreme moods varying between elevated moods (mania) and lows (depression) with periods of stability. Both men and women are affected equally, with the average age of onset approx 28, however children and teens and seniors can also be affected. Approx 3% of the population are said to have the disorder.

The dramatic fluctuation in mood is referred to as an episode or mood swing. The severity, frequency, and length of episodes vary from one person to the next. Without treatment and proper care, the frequency and severity of this chronic disorder can increase. Bi polar is very hard to diagnose because many people will only complain about the depressive symptoms, not thinking anything of the 'highs' because they just think they are feeling great. However early diagnosis is really important because it can lessen the effects of the disorder. People with bipolar have a 80% risk for alcohol and substance abuse. Marital fluctuation, chronic unemployment, and suicide are also prevalent.

There are 2 types of bipolar. Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. The main difference is that with bipolar 1, you have full blown mania symptoms, and in bipolar 2 you have a less extreme mania called a hypo mania state.

Criteria for diagnoses:
Bi polar 1 - at least one episode of mania or mixed state in your LIFETIME
Bi polar 2 - at least one episode of hypomania in your LIFETIME
- at least one episode of major depressive disorder in your LIFETIME
Bi polar with rapid cycling - meets criteria for bipolar 1 or 2
- four or more episodes of major depressive disorder, or manic/hypomania disorder in any 1 year

Symptoms of mania:
Increased physical and mental energy
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self confidence
Excessive irritability, aggressive behaviour
Little need for sleep
Racing speech, racing thoughts
Impulsiveness, poor judgement, distract ability
Reckless behaviour such as spending sprees, erratic driving etc
Delusions or hallucinations

Symptoms of depression:
Unexplained crying spells
Irritability, anger
Worry, agitation, extreme anxiety
Indifference
Loss of energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and hopelessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
No longer interested in previous interests
Recurring thoughts of death and suicide

How it affects me:
Now that was a very general description of what bi polar is, and I didn't even cover everything. Bi polar is very different from person to person. You can't just diagnose someone and then think they fit into the little box of a medical title. There are variations and complications. For example, I experience many mixed states, which is feeling manic and depressed at the same time.
I was first diagnosed with bi polar 2, but recently it's been looking a little fuzzy.
Most of the time when I am unstable, I am depressed or in a mixed state. Very rarely do I experience a hypomanic state only. I mentioned above the diagnoses of bi polar with rapid cycling, which is what I have. It's crazy to me to think that someone could just experience ONE manic and ONE depressive episode in their LIFETIME and still have bipolar. That is not what I know. I know my day can change on a dime from great to hellish. I am constantly fluctuationing from being ok to screaming my lungs out, or bawling my eyes out. My dog Benji is terrified of me when I get like that, it's the saddest thing ever.
I was going to put a little star besides the symptoms that I experience but I ended up basically starring everything.

I want to thank EVERYONE for all of there support and encouragement since sharing my blog publicly, I was doing so good after sharing and felt the prayers of those who prayed, which is big coming from me, a prayer cynic. Sunday evening brought a lot of turmoil back into my life and I was so angry that I couldn't hold onto that goodness for longer. It's like I've become angrier than ever, screaming at Ryan, throwing things, banging on the walls, I am just so angry. I can't find peace.
I am currently on lithium, as you know if you've read that here, and I hear of people feeling better in a matter of weeks. It's been almost 2 months now since starting lithium and I'm beginning to feel worse. It's just so discouraging you know? I want my life back already. But I have a doctor appt tomorrow so I hope something changes or gets dealt with.

Again thank you for your support.
Many of you have asked how you can help, and honestly, just meals. I have no motivation, concentration, energy to cook, and it's not fair to Ryan to have to come home and make me supper after he's been working all day. Talk about guilt trip.

I have bipolar, surprise.

(Deep breath)

Up until now I have kept this blog for close friends and family, and those that could possibly relate to my story. But I've come to the point where I am ready to share it with everyone who wants to read and learn about mental illness, and mainly bipolar. 

I have heard/seen several stories within the last 2 weeks of people suffering from mental illness in silence, not telling anyone. I think that is awful, and terribly sad, and it has motivated me to share my story to a broader community. I truly believe that the only way the stigma around mental health can be lessened, is by talking about it, and learning about it. 

This blog is like my journal, it is intimate to me, and brutally honest. I have asked myself "Have these people earned the right to hear my story?" No, most likely not. But it's not just about me anymore. I hear of other people suffering and I see and feel the stigma every day, and something has to be done. Something has to change. People talk openly about cancer, or diabetes, or arthritis, so why not mental illness? Because it's complicated. It's complicated to separate what is Richelle and what is bi polar. It's emotional, its a mind game, it's a roller coaster. I worry about people thinking "she's going crazy", but I'm not, I'M JUST ILL!! I'm sick and it just looks different than what you're used to seeing. 

So for those of you who are new to my blog, I'm going to give you a quick run down of my history:

2006- Diagnosed with depression, went on an antidepressant.

2010- Started having periods of insane excitement, pressured speech, not sleeping (which is referred to                                          

           as a manic or hypomanic stage)

2011- Symptoms of intense anger and rage, irritability (more mania symptoms)

        - March-April...Severely depressed, mixed alcohol and medication, which led to my aunt taking me to the emergency room in Winnipeg. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar and admitted me into their psych ward. It was a living hell in that ward, so I left immediately (more on that another time) and went to a local emergency instead where I was admitted into Eden Mental Health Centre. I was then seen daily by psychiatrists, helping me with my new diagnosis etc. 

        -May..... One month later I got married (so crazy to think back on!)

        -June - December.... Terrible marital problems due to my illness, but was able to hold onto a job and participate in life

2012 - Feb.... things went downhill and I left my job. I was extremely unstable for months

         -May... Felt a little better and got a new full time job

         -June... Left my new job due to anxiety and bipolar flaring up and I got MONO, augh!

         -September..... Overdosed on my medications (intentionally), was sent to Emergency

         -October-November...... Living hell on earth. Extreme episodes like never before, extreme                                   anxiety, suicidal, etc. Was admitted back into Eden at the end of November.

         -December... Discharged from Eden and went home in "recovery" condition. 

2013 - No sign of change, new medications aren't working, and I spend most of my time at home in bed watching tv or trying to distract myself from depressive thoughts. 

So that is a VERY brief timeline. And if you are new to the blog, I suggest you start reading from the very beginning (I think I created this blog in November when things were the worst, just before I went to Eden).

If you're a familiar reader, I have a very cool post to share with you next time about the Brad Jersak Conference at my Church last weekend. Wild stuff.

Crazy week

This has been quite the crazy week.
A lot has happened that is worth noting....

Last Friday I saw a psychiatrist because I am STILL not feeling better with the current medications and therapy, so he upped my lithium levels and added a different sleeping pill etc etc. I began taking these changes Friday night.... Well during the night on Friday I noticed I had a headache but I was half asleep, and the headache was keeping me from getting REAL sleep. When I woke up fully I realized I had immense pain all throughout my forehead and that my right eye was swollen and brown. I immediately looked up side effects of my new sleeping pill, trazadone, and sure enough, headaches and swollen face amongst many others. The pain was unlike anything I had experienced and I thought I was going to have to go to emergency, but Ryan went to the pharmacy and got some pills that knocked me right out so I couldn't feel the pain. Needless to say, I am not taking trazadone anymore.....

What's been interesting this week is that I've been having some manic symptoms. For me this means talking to myself out loud when I think I'm doing it in my head, talking very fast with pressured speech about random things for long periods of time, DOING lots of things, can't sit still, shaking or tapping a lot, and a lot of irritation and anger outbursts.
The littlest thing could trigger me into anger and I would flip out, smacking a pillow all over the walls, knocking things over, screaming at Ryan and not remembering why etc.
As I began to realize that I was somewhat manic, I began to fear I was going crazy which lead me into depression. And then I entered a mixed state. A mixed state is rare for anyone with bipolar and basically means you are experiencing manic and depressive episodes at the same time. Ugh. That is the worst.

BUT a very good thing did happen, I CALLED FOR HELP! Ryan was home for lunch and I was sobbing, freaking out that I was crazy, whilst talking a mile a minute about anything that came to mind. Without thinking about it much, I picked up the phone and called my most trusted friend Jenny and asked if she could come over. She was over in minutes.
This is the first time I have asked for help from someone other than my parents or Ryan. NO ONE else has ever seen me in an episode, until Jenny. She was so calm, listened to my crazy rants intently, didn't treat me as if I was a child, gave feedback when needed, comforted me, told me I wasn't crazy and totally calmed me down!!!!
This was a crazy big step for me, because I am always so afraid of people seeing me like that, and I never want to burden anyone. But Jenny is awesome, oh heavens I love her so much.

Lastly, just this evening, I attended a conference with our church. Another huge deal, because i havent been in a public group setting in a loooong time. I hate groups, and I hate small talk. But Ryan was running the espresso bar, so I mainly just stood behind the counter trying to look busy so people wouldn't talk to me, lol. And then when the teach started I sat in the back on the floor so I could wiggle and have space. Anyways, the song 'you're my healer' was being played and I just started crying....

"You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need"

Yeah......no. I wasn't buying it. 'You calm my raging seas'? No, you don't!
'You heal all my disease' No, you don't. In fact you keeping giving me MORE problems.
'I trust in you' This hit me hard. No, I don't trust you anymore. This is sad for me. I don't trust Jesus? No, that can't be. But it is, deep within my heart I found this resentment and doubt in Jesus.

Not sure where this will go from here. I guess I have some battles to duke out. Whatever that means.

It's 3:30 AM and I haven't slept yet. Can you say manic?!

Lost

Why is it so much easier to write when there's at least a bit of hope? Even if things are going terrible, if you have just a glimmer of hope, the load is lightened.
I seem to have lost that hopeful glimmer these past 2ish weeks.
Although I've been close, I haven't had any full blown episodes. Episodes are intensified moments of panic, despair, guilt thrusted into a mere few hours. What I am bearing right now is a constant dark, heavy, burden that is with me each moment of the day. Before, my days were usually good and my evenings were full blown madness. But now my entire day is dulled, depressed, anxiety filled. I enjoy nothing. I am unmotivated. I'm behind on cleaning. I don't have energy or desire to cook food.
I'm not sure which state is worse; episodes at night but having good days, or being constantly down with no good moments at all.
I feel hopeless, like I will be this way for the rest of my life, or at least a whole year or months on end.
I feel like a burden. Like a big negative ball of dead weight with nothing to give.
I'm a bad friend.
A bad daughter.
A bad auntie.
A bad sister.
A bad wife.

I try to tell myself that 'I'm sick' and I need to think of myself as sick and not be so hard on myself, but its no use.

I dont't know what to do or where to go from here. Ryan is tiring out, growing impatient (with good reason), and I just feel lost.

The bad and the good

I feel like I should mention that my last blog post was not directed at anyone specific. I should also say that I understand that people's perception of me or of mental illness is based on not having the correct education. It is because people do not understand bipolar or mental illness that they 'try to help' the only way they know how. Our councillor is going to get me some informative articles on what it's like to have bipolar, and how to care for someone who suffers from it, so that I can give them out to those of you who want to know more. My words can only communicate so much and sometimes it's good to read something from an outside source.

A couple other things:
Yes I usually get a lot of anxiety from seeing people and visiting, but that anxiety is usually only leading up to our visit. When I actually see the person and start talking, my body relaxes and I know I have nothing to fear. It is very good for me to keep meeting with people amidst the struggle.

And also, please don't ever be afraid to ask me questions! I LOVE talking about my journey with bipolar and I love it when people are curious and want some things explained, I love it.


On other terms, I may have mentioned this but my family doctor, dr.prinsloo, is leaving. So I am without a doctor, which sucks. I just had my first follow up doc appt this week since being at Eden and it was with a doctor I had never met before. She knew nothing about my history or current situation and it was extremely stressful. I basically tell her exactly what had to happen with my meds and how many/how often blood work needs to be done, and it is just a lot to carry. It's just stupid because I will likely be seeing a different doctor every time and I need to be figuring out and perfecting my meds, which is hard to do when you have no consistent health care. Not to mention that family doctors don't really know what they are doing when it comes to mood stabilizer meds or anything. That's my rant.

Our house is currently under renovations and that is a huge stressor. My mom and dad have been here countless hours, painting and varnishing and helping out. But the house is often very loud with sanders and loud vacuums, so I spend a lot of time in the basement trying to avoid it all. I sure am thankful for all my parents help though.




Well that is just a bunch of negative stuff, so let me tell you some positives:
- Ryan and i's relationship has been really good. There have been times where I did not feel cared for or loved, but he has been giving me such quality care and support. A huge thing is that he is stopping doing photography now, so that frees up a lot of time for us to connect and spend time together

-the presence of little Jude has my heart skipping beats. He honestly makes me so happy, I am always looking at pictures of him that Amy sends me. I feel so lucky and blessed to be in his life.

-and the biggest joy of all......
IM GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
Rose and Steve are having their 3rd child, due at the beginning of August! This is extra special for me because when Rose was pregnant with Easton and Neveah, I wasn't part of the family really. But this time I get to journey with Rose through the pregnancy, and be the most involved, loving, care giver of an aunty ever!!! I am beyond thrilled!

So I will choose to dwell on these happy thoughts.
Oh, here is a picture of little Jude...

Christmas

So I know I haven't written in a long time, and everyone is wondering how my Christmas went. My energy has been extremely limited since Christmas, but I think I can finally start to share.

I would say that all our gatherings and events went really well considering! Like I wrote in my last post, we had a very structured plan in place and that really helped. Ryan was incredibly helpful. We were communicating well and I really felt like he was there to support me. It's really hard to be around people, any people, for a long time. Especially when it's a social event and you have to small talk to a lot of people. But I always had an escape route and a plan to de-stress once we got home.

But since Christmas I've had a post Christmas hangover. Things have not been good. I have been so depressed. So anxious. So unmotivated. So nervous. So guilty. So overwhelmed. I've been feeling bored, like nothing can entertain my mind and that makes me feel depressed and hopeless. I don't want to see people, that makes me feel anxious. I don't want to leave the house, that makes me also feel anxious.

Whether its just my perception or it actually is true, I feel like people think I am doing ok. I am realizing how much of a disconnect there is in mental health. People know I have bipolar, they can even know things aren't going good, and yet they still expect me to be "normal". I recently had a serious physical health scare, but the results were negative. To be honest, I was hoping the results would be positive. I know that sounds terrible, but I feel like if I had this physical illness people could understand more. They would accept my ailment and know that I have to say no to things and that I get tired. Right now, it's like "I can't come, I've been depressed lately' isn't a good enough answer because the response would be 'then come out and have fun, get your mind off it'. But it doesn't work that way! Depression and anxiety is leaving my body TIRED and tense. I can't even find the motivation to cook supper. Would you ask someone who had cancer to just 'get out of the house and have fun' when they are suffering?
Whether I like it or not, there is stigma still around mental health. There is stigma in my own perception of my illness. It's hard for me to be truly honest to people most of the time because I feel silly, misunderstood, and like my troubles are trivial. But I wouldn't feel that way if I had cancer, or arthritis, or something else.

I have a lot of work to do around my perception of how people respond to me and how I think of myself as bipolar.

This reflecting has tired me out.