i just want to be happy

I don't want to write on this stupid blog, and that's been my attitude all week. Everything feels the same, I have nothing to write about, and yet so much to write about that it's overwhelming. So we'll see where this goes...

I met with my Community Mental Health Worker (or therapist) at the start of the week, and I really connected with her. My previous experience with a different therapist last year was not extremely helpful... I was taught how to practice CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which is a very worksheet driven form of therapy that teaches you to control your THOUGHTS so you can control the way you FEEL. It may have been helpful in the start, but didn't work so well in the end. More about that another time..... But my NEW therapist is much more RELATIONAL and counselling based. She wants to help me work on areas where I am suffering, and teach me DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). Now I don't know much about it, but from what she was saying, it sounds SO up my alley. Basically it is a way of learning to regulate my emotions with techniques or distress tolerance practices. It derives from Buddhist meditative practices, and they key component to DBT is mindfulness. It will help me to pay attention, non-judgmentally, to the present moment; about living in the moment, experiencing one's emotions and senses fully, yet with perspective. Read more about it here.

Ryan and I also had our second counselling session this week, which was exhausting, yet extremely helpful. Our counsellor suggested we have plans in place for all our gatherings this week, to help things go as smoothly as possible. I was feeling really stressed and overwhelmed about this upcoming week, but now that we have a plan in place I feel more relaxed. I can only be with people for a certain amount of time before I start to get triggered left right and centre and just need to get out. But that's not always possible in a gathering, and it's hard to communicate to Ryan when there are people everywhere. So we have planned how we are going to communicate, when, and what will happen if I need a break (like taking a nap, or a rest in a private bedroom), and then also how we will de-stimulate and connect after a  stressful event like a gathering (like coming home, putting on pj's, hot chocolate, popcorn and a movie).

This evening I also just started feeling pressure with the overwhelming desire to be HAPPY at Christmas. I don't want to ruin any of Christmas gatherings with an episode or being sad. I am honestly scared, terrified even, that I won't be able to stop myself from having an episode at any of these Christmas get togethers. I am nervous. I just want to be happy.

best weekend

This past weekend, my dear dear friends Kyle and Joeline came to visit me, all the way from Saskatoon!

I cannot even say how much it meant for me to have them come out.

They brought peace, joy, and love into our home and into my spirit. It was a relaxing, enjoyable weekend where I could actually feel somewhat "normal" and healthy. *sigh* I wish they didn't have to leave, but will hold onto the memories we made for a long time. 

Kyle has been one of my BEST friends since we met at Bethany 6 years ago! Even though we've been in separate provinces for 4 years, he remains one of my favourite people on the planet!!! The most loving, sincere, genuine, fun loving, humorous person. 

I also met Joeline at Bethany 6 years ago. In 2006 when I was first diagnosed with depression Joeline took me under her wing and cared for me. To this day, whenever I think about what it means to be supported in my illness, I think of how Joeline loved me. She would let me sleep in her room every night when I couldn't be alone, she would listen to me while i vented out all my pain. I did not feel like a burden to her, she treated me like a real person, not like a charity case. She managed to bring LIGHT and HOPE into my darkness through laughter and prayer and real life daily experiences. I love her to death, and will forever be thankful for what she did for me. 

So yes, I love them both extremely much.

I am so sad to see them go, but hopefully we will go see them SOON!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

sobbing with me

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly" Matthew 11:28-30

 I feel like I've been doing so much mental/emotional/spiritual work lately. For the past few days I've been fighting a battle from morning till night working to avoid an episode, working to get better, working to be healthy, working on my marriage. And it's exhausting. Dar challenged me yesterday to invite Jesus into the work. The verse above is from The Message, but in other versions it says "My yolk is easy and my burden is light". She explained to me that the word "yolk" actually refers to that metal brace that goes on an ox to plow a field or something. Jesus is saying that with him, the work is easy. It doesn't feel heavy or ill-fitting. 

The past few days have been R.O.U.G.H. Last night was dark, very dark. My parents had to come over and calm me down and take care of me. And then today there were some errands that I had to run, and I was trying to prep my mind all morning to go out of the house. But I was afraid. I felt like I was on the verge of tears and didn't want to start crying in public. I didn't have the strength to go to IGA. But I did. And it was ugly. I was in IGA and felt so disorientated. My anxiety was so high, I had to lean on the shopping cart so that I wouldn't fall over. I was overwhelmed with all the options of apples and baking supplies. I forgot where the eggs were, I couldn't find the damn eggs! When I got to my car, I just broke down and started having a panic attack. Luckily my dad has just texted me, so I thought of calling him for help. He came, drove me home, brought my groceries inside and comforted me until I calmed down. 

What.The.Heck?!

THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING ANYMORE! GAH!

BUT....

I did get a call from a doctor last evening that apparently my last blood test showed that my lithium levels WENT DOWN instead of up. With lithium, there has to be a specific amount of it in your blood for it to effective. It's not even close to being effective now, so it's like I'm not on any medication for my bipolar right now! I was so discouraged to hear this, because now I have to wait even longer for my new higher dosage of lithium to kick in and start HELPING ME!

Last night when things were so dark, my mom ran me a bath and I was laying in the tub and was just so sad, I couldn't stop sobbing, and so I asked Jesus "Where are you? Where are you right now?" and I saw Him with his arms wrapped around me, sobbing with me. 

the light shines in the darkness

Is anybody getting tired of reading this blog already? Don't you feel like you just want the story to have a happy ending? I do.

My days are super up and down right now. They are half filled with many good moments, and then topped off with many bad moments. It's such a balancing act all the time. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells in my own skin, trying to stay clear of anything that might trigger me. But that's impossible!

Sunday night after Branches, I came home and suddenly felt so overwhelmed at my busy week ahead, and so irritated that the house was messy, that it led me into darkness. I felt emotionally paralyzed, like this bad spell was coming over me and I couldn't do anything about it. Mental illness is freaking scary! It is TERRIFYING to feel like you have lost control over your mind.

In church, Darlene was speaking about how we just want everything to be honkey dorey perfect and happy at Christmas time (dancing around the tinsel tree, ha!), but how we really need to be able to sit in the darkness. I was trying to find the verse she used, and came across John 1:5...

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not over come it"

Turns out she was actually using a verse from Isaiah 9...

The people walking in darkness

    have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of deep darkness

    a light has dawned.

³ 

You have enlarged the nation

    and increased their joy;

they rejoice before you

    as people rejoice at the harvest,

as warriors rejoice

    when dividing the plunder.

Now my memory and concentration are terrible lately, thanks to my new meds, but I remember Darlene emphasizing how GOOD it is to be in the darkness. I remember thinking about all this darkness in my life these past months and thinking "I am so blessed, I am so blessed, I am so blessed". It is ONLY through Christ in which I can say and even believe in my heart that this is true. 

Yesterday I had my final appointment at Eden, and am now officially discharged. I have mixed emotions about it. I am glad and thankful to be able to be in my home, but I am nervous/scared/uncertain about what it will be like to adjust to living at home. What will life look like now? How will my life change? What do I need to do to avoid relapse? etc etc etc.

I did make a very very hard decision though last night, and decided to step down from being in the Christmas Play. Augh! I had been looking forward to this play for sooooo long, I am so disappointed that my health is getting in the way of me being involved. It was just too overwhelming and stressful. My body needs to rest. I was also hosting a Christmas party on Friday, which I also cancelled because I can't be in a big group of people for very long. 

My heart is sad that I have to cancel such things, but I'm learning how to take better care of myself, and realizing what I can and cannot do. 

Ryan and I also had our first marriage counselling appt today and I'm really happy with how it went. We had a good connection with our counsellor, and he seems excited to help us journey through this marriage and bipolar bit. 

These are all steps to recovery, and what my  next while will look like, lots of self care, self work, couple work, etc. 

Thanks for journeying with me,

R

lifestyle changes

Hopefully after this weekend I'll be discharged from Eden. Hopefully.

Today has been hard. I didn't DO anything. I thought a day of resting would be good because I've been so tired lately, but it's been more depressing than anything else. Ryan is working A LOT (like from 8am -10pm), so I'm home alone all day. It kinda blows. 

As the evening progressed, I started to get more and more depressed. I have this basket in my room where I keep all my old meds that I'm no longer on. So I went up to my room, grabbed all the bottles of old meds (probably like 5 bottles filled with a variety of pills, dating back to 2010!), looked at them, held them in my hands, and then flushed them all down the toilet. I wasn't feeling suicidal at that moment, but I knew I needed to get rid of those pills. I've kept holding onto them just in case I wanted to end my life one day, that sounds super morbid, but it's the truth. They were like a safety net for me. So I got rid of them. 

I'm going to need to make some major lifestyle changes. No more days doing nothing and being alone for the entire day. No more drinking alcohol when I'm alone. Enforcing a very strict bedtime etc etc. Now I'm starting to get worried about all of next week, having to keep myself busy with non stressful events and people I feel comfortable with. Although I was diagnosed with bipolar 1.5 years ago, I feel like it's all new and I have so much to adjust to. I feel like my whole life has to change, and that overwhelms me, having to revamp almost every area of my life. One day at a time I guess. One day at a time.

my nose is cute.

i have split personalities.

i have two mouths, but one pair of eyes.

my nose is cute.

Yeah, my nose is still cute.

librarian.

my eyes are nice.

A couple times a day I do this relaxation video, and wanted to see what I looked like when I was doing it.... Didn't plan on showing this, but heck, its funny I thought...

listening prayer

A lot of you have been asking for more details about my listening prayer time, so I thought I'd highlight for you some key things that arose during that time...

-I saw the word "constant". Jesus said His love and Presence is constant.

-Jesus led me to a wheat field. It was warm outside and there was a cool breeze, it was quiet and vast. I was standing slightly inside the field, but mainly on the outer edge. I felt Jesus in the air around me. As I breathed in the air I felt Jesus filling my bloodstream, it felt tingly, like medicine. This was interesting, because the lithium medication I'm on can be measured to see if it's effective by how much is in my blood. 

-Then I heard Jesus say "I'm in it" and we asked Him what that meant. He said "I'm in ALL of it" and I got a picture of Him in every part of my bloodstream. That's how close He is.

-After asking Jesus more questions, I was brought back to the wheat field from the start, but it was different this time. It was still, nothing was moving around from the wind like before, and the sun was setting (I JUST REALIZED... a mantra I've been meditating on for the past 2 days is 'the sun must set to rise'..... AND, the connection of the sunset image to my painting that I did a few weeks back.... just realized that now.... goosebumps). ANYWAYS.... I then I felt eager to go into the middle of the field, so I did, and I lay down. All my eyes could see was wheat surrounding me, and then the open sky above me. There was a circle on top of my vision circling the wheat, and another circle on top of my vision circling the sky. Two circles, one inside the other. I was represented by the larger circle that was in the wheat. God showed me that the wheat is the harvest; it has to bloom and die again and again. The circle in the sky represented God. God is like the sky, always constant, always there. 

-Lastly, I had some imagery of a box that was labeled 'fear'. God stomped on my box of fear, but after He stomped on the box, it didn't look all crumpled and damaged, instead it looked like a completely new, unfolded box (like those boxes you fold together for Operation Christmas Child or something) He turned my fear into something that is useful. This new box was labeled "gift", but it wasn't for me. I felt like I was supposed to give this gift to other people. A box full of ribboned bows. I felt excited because I actually had something to give when I felt so depleted. 

Wow, I was just re reading this now, and it's amazing how much MORE this means to me now. I can see so many connections to other parts of my life, that I now see are actually connected to this prayer time.....  

guilt.... be gentle. it is a process.

Today I am struggling with guilt.

I feel guilty for asking for support in my previous post.

I feel guilty for being a burden on my friends and family.

I feel guilty for having bipolar and putting my husband through such shit.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty! AH it's such a vacuum!

I haven't been taking much action to counteract this guilt, because I am tired. I am so so tired. Not just physically but emotionally. This driving back and forth from Eden every day thing is tiring. I'm tired of all the emotional/mental work that I've done these past 2 weeks. I just need a good rest, to relax.

On Saturday morning, when I arrived home for the first time, I received an e mail from my dear lovely friend Bev. At the end of the email she wrote "Be gentle with yourselves and your family today, no matter what happens... it is a process". Those words have been a blanket of peace over Ryan and I. I think it will be a mantra for us to live by for the next while.... be gentle. it is a process.

p.s. if you are feeling like this blog would be beneficial for you to share with someone else, please do. I have lifted up the privacy settings, so anyone can access it now.

paradise

Friends and family,

Big news coming to you today! This week I have an evening/overnight pass every day. Which means I'll be going to Eden every morning for programming, meeting with my psychiatrist and doing groups/therapy etc, but then get to come home once that's done (around 3). We all feel it'll be good to see how I'm ACTUALLY doing in my "natural environment", exposes to the usual triggers and stressors. I am excited, nervous, relieved, scared, and curious about what's to come.
I am on the road to recovery, but it is far from over. 

Not sure if I used this analogy yet or not but it's something my psychiatrist told me. Say you get a hip surgery. Once you go home from having that surgery, you go home to recover. You don't go home %100 better, and you have to be patient and allow time for your scars to heal. Similarly for me, I'm not %100 better, I don't even know if i'm %75 better, but that all takes time. As I begin this journey to be discharged from hospital, I do ask for your continued support (visiting, meals, prayer etc). Part of me feels like the hard work is going to come now. I've had a pretty 'easy' go in Eden, but now I need to implement what I've learned, and come back to real world. 

I've talked to a lot of you about what a support system would look like when I get discharged from hospital, and it's starting to be the time for that to happen I guess. My nurses and psychiatrist always comment on how much support I have, and how they've never seen such a community gather around someone. ISN'T THAT COOL?!?!

I am seriously sooooo blessed (and ryan too!) by everything everyone has done for us. That is really what is making this time in hospital so much easier. I have support. I know what support looks like now. I know what support means now. I am supported. I have support. I am crying, haha.

Today on my way home from Eden, I had the song "Paradise" by Coldplay CRANKED in the car and it was awesome! I started listening to the words, and with tears streaming down my face, I connected so well the words.....

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear,a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she'd fly.
And dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh
She dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
So lying underneath those stormy skies.
She said
I know the sun must set to rise.

hobble around the house

So I know you're all itching to hear how the weekend went, but I'm not sure what to say really. It wasn't wonderful, but it wasn't terrible. I had a very structured and strategic weekend planned out, so that probably helped, but it wasn't like what I had pictured in my head.
I ended up having to fake a lot of happiness, which is super energy draining.
Why do I feel like I need to fake happiness?
When people come visit me at Eden, I know I can just BE. I don't feel like I have to come across one certain way, and people are able to CONNECT that I may seem sad or cry because I'm in the hospital. It's clear that I have bipolar and that's why Im sad. But when I'm visiting at someone's house, or having people over, there is a DISCONNECT because they're not seeing me in the hospital and they forget what I'm dealing with. I think people want to see me happy and cheerful. If I were to just BE the way I was feeling, it would be awkward. You don't just go to someone's house and be all sad and "down". So I fake being happy. Sometimes. Not all the time.
It's like if I had a broken leg, would I try to pretend that it's not broken and hobble around the house? Why would I do that? That's stupid. Mental health is so confusing that way. Why do I feel like I need to "hobble around the house" pretending I'm not experiencing what I'm experiencing.
The ironic thing is... that when people come visit me at Eden and I feel comfortable enough to show my sadness, I end up experiencing the most genuine JOY. And when I'm home, trying to be happy for other people, I end up experiencing the most SADNESS.
Can I be REAL in front of you? Even if it's awkward? Even if it's not "pretty"?

sleep

So last night I slept from 11-5!! And then slept some more until 7ish! My nurse encouraged me to do some "ritualistic" things that mean bedtime, so my body would prepare itself to sleep. So I put my laptop away at 9 and stopped reading/thinking/praying at that time too because I get SOOO energized from those things. I waited till I was ready to sleep to put my pajamas on, brush my teeth, wash my face, and then I played a body relaxation CD. And I slept!

I am going home tomorrow for the first time since coming here and am excited/nervous/curious as to whats going to happen. If things go well, I am allowed to stay overnight, which means I'll most likely be in Church on Sunday. And then I need to come back here Sunday sometime, for another week(ish), depending on how things keep progressing.

Tonight, I just want to leave you with 2 quotes that resonated with my spirit this evening....

"To know anything fully is always to hold that part of it which is still mysterious and unknowable" Richard Rohr

"You were within, but I was without. You were with me, but I was not with you. So you called, you shouted, you broke my deafness, you flared, blazed and banished my blindness, you lavished your fragrance and I gasped" - St. Augstine

Mary

If you've been reading my blog, you will remember this post, about how I've been drawn to Mary the mother of Jesus lately. Until this past week, I have never even THOUGHT about Mary much. I just always knew her as Jesus' mother, and that was all. 

During our listening prayer time on Wednesday, Darlene saw a picture of Mary when we started praying. And at the end of our prayer time I was getting a lot of visions of gifts, and that these gifts were not for me, but for me to give away. God was telling me that despite my struggles, I still have something to offer...

I get daily meditations sent to my e mail by Richard Rohr and the following was today's meditation:

"Jesus is the Icon of the Gift itself and how the Gift is given. Mary is the Icon of how the Gift is received. In her great “Magnificat” (Luke 1:46-55), Mary is not afraid to first of all boast openly of her own beauty and greatness, because she knows it is all a gift. It is not a statement about her; it is a statement about God!

She is the perfect yes to God, precisely because her yes is spoken out of her accepted “nothingness” (Luke 1:48). We instead demand some kind of “somethingness” from ourselves, and foolishly avoid the God-given emptiness that we are. Our somethingness is only revealed from a previous admission of our littleness (Buddhists might call it emptiness). Or as Simone Weil puts it, “God creates the vacuum that God alone can fill.”

Mary will always be the most orthodox Biblical image of how grace works in humanity, how God is received, and how love itself is received. It is our daily emptiness that allows us to need and to receive God’s utter fullness, and Mary does not hesitate to admit three times that she also lives under the divine mercy (Luke 1:50, 54-55) and like all of us is a “lowly” one, which she says two times (Luke 1:47, 52). Ironically, people who know they are chosen or beloved do not need any form of self-promotion. They are already permanently promoted."

balloons and lilies

Just wanted to share with you some cute pictures of my time with Melissa and Olivia.

They brought me these adorable polka dotted balloons, but unfortunately I wasn't allowed to keep them because of hospital safety rules I guess. I was pretty disappointed, but it was totally worth it seeing Olivia wadle around holding 4 balloons... it was hard to get a picture (you know Olivia!)

 They also brought me this HUGE piece of paper that Olivia had "drawn" (not coloured, apparently she's very adamant that colouring is for kids) for me... It's so wonderful to have something to put on my walls!

AND THEN.... I GOT THESE FLOWERS DELIVERED TO ME...... FROM ANNIE!!!!!

For those of you who don't know, Annie is the friend in whose wedding I was a bridesmaid in Ontario this fall! She's like my soul sister and I miss her so much. When I read the little card that said "from annie" I started sobbing because it made me miss her so much, and yet I still felt supported and loved by her. Gah, tearing up right now....

BUT AGAIN, they had to take some of the flowers out of the bouquet because someone has an allergy to lilies, but the lilies were HUGE and BEAUTIFUL and I got to stare at them for a while (unfortunately, I dont have a photo of that)

confusion

1 hour.

1 hour of sleep is what I'm running on right now.

Why is it so hard for me to sleep?! 

When I get into bed it's like I get excited. My mind starts racing, I have all these ideas, reminders, creative pictures. I want to read. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to do anything but sleep.

Gross.

Things are about to get confusing, so bear with me:

Positive thinking does not get rid of depression.

 I don't want to be sending the wrong message with this blog, that I am only doing better because I am thinking more positively and praying and able to see and feel God, because that's not the case. Sure those things have a part in it (especially the spiritual stuff) but I hate it when people say to a depressed person "Just think more positively" or "Just pray about it and Jesus will comfort you"....... No! Speaking from experience, that doesn't work!

Last year when I was here, I would have felt so inwardly angry and hurt if someone said that to me. I was trying to see God, I was trying to find Him, but for whatever reason I couldn't. I don't understand yet why I wasn't able to recognize Him then, and why I am able to now. This time around, for whatever reason, I am able to find hope more easily, and am able to see Jesus working in all the suffering. 

Notice how I don't know that God wasn't with me last year when I was here. I believe He has been with me through everything. Gods presence within us does not change, but sometimes we can't feel Him and it feels lonely. I believe that God uses things like medicine, coping skills, doctors, supporters etc to heal a person from whatever they are suffering from. "He is in it. He's in ALL of it" is something I heard in listening prayer last night and just thought of. 

I guess I'm just worried I've been sending the wrong message. If I was someone with depression or bipolar reading this blog, I would probably feel angry and upset and like I wasn't doing something right, if I was reading it a year ago. So I just want to say to anybody suffering with any kind of mental illness... IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Depression is a dark, lonely place. It sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better. When any kind of mental illness is untreated (medicine, doctors, coping, councilling, whatever "treatment" means to you), there can be a time when you literally have no control or power to change things. It's like if you have a broken leg, I wouldnt expect you to run around the park. BUT, once you get help you do have some control AND some responsibility (i hate to say it). Once your broken leg has been casted, you can start healing that leg, and maybe walk around with crutches. Similarily, when you start treating your mental illness with medication, councilling, cognitive behavioural therapy, meditation/prayer, seeing a doctor and talking with friends (to me treatment is a combination of all these things), you will begin to get better, at which point you are given back some control, some responsibility. YOU are the only who can CHOOSE to get better at that point. If you refuse to take your meds, live in denial of your feelings, hide yourself from friends, you probably won't get better. Your leg has now been casted and you can try walking around with a cast. And eventually the cast can come off! 

It's a balance of learning what you can control and what you can't. What is mental illness and what is personality type. I'm on that road right now, and it's a crooked one!

ANYWAYS.... not that I got that off my chest, I have some important things to tell you.

I got a day pass for Saturday! And if I'm feeling good enough I'm allowed to stay at home for Sat night and go to Church on Sunday, but if I feel anxious or anything I can come back here at anytime during my pass. 

Next week I'll be here again, with passes to use in the evenings or afternoon and then depending on how all these passes go, we'll look into a full weekend pass, and then talk about discharge.

So basically ONE MORE WEEK, i can do that i can do that i can do that!

So if you'd like to come visit me, PLEASE DO! At this point, my scheduale is wide open, so just facebook or e mail me (richellewiebe@hotmail.com) if you'd like to come. Visiting hours are from 3-4:30 or from 6-8, but this starts to get more flexible next week. 

I know I was struggling for a while as to what it looked like for me to be supported, and after coming into Eden, my recent struggles came out and I told everyone how much I was hurting, and then I felt SUPPORT. The main way I feel supported is by the visitors every day. It gives me something to look forward to, I love visitors! Speaking of which, Melissa and Olivia are coming soon! So I should go!

Love,

R

eden art

Today I thought I'd share some art that I've been doing since being here....

I'm kinda in love with this feather painting, the drips, the water marks, the black...

again, sorry for the TERRIBLE photos, but I just have my macbook for taking photos with photobooth, haha kinda lame...

I watercoloured this cute lil owl today and hopefully tomorrow there will be a friend to join him...

haha and then this owl is the funniest! I painted it on a rock, so it was hard, and i had to use acrylic paint. and i hate working with acrylic paint doing details. the message and "owl always love you" i wrote on the back of the stone..... i think i kinda like rock painting..... might get into that more....


Anyways, today was...... today was a day.
Lots of up and downs.
Candice and Darlene came this evening to facilitate some listening prayer with me, which I had my apprehensions about, but those were quickly eliminated once we got started. I'm too tired (yay tired!) to write more about the details, but i'll just say this. God spoke to me in ways that I couldnt have come up with on my own. I always struggle with listening praying, thinking that "these are just my thoughts, how do i know if this is jesus speaking?" But this time, there is no way what I was hearing was coming from inside of me because I couldn't even think about stuff like that, so it was overwhelming at times because it was like OH MY GOODNESS HE'S REALLY SPEAKING TO ME AND ITS POWERFUL AND OVERWHELMING. haha, so i'll read through the 50 pages that Dar wrote down as we were praying and decide what to share here another time.

I took 2 sleeping pills a while ago and I think i'm starting to feel it, so I'm gonna say goodnight!

gifts, marriage and anxiety

So last night I slept 4 hours in a row, from 12-4 and then from 5-7am! So that's a big improvement! Still not enough, but getting better for sure.
I met with my psychiatrist again today and she is just so understanding and patient. I have to ask a lot of questions that I've asked many times before, because my memory is terrible, but she is so good with it. I got 1-2 hour passes that I can use once each day with family, so that's really good. I've been anticipating what it will be like to leave hospital even for a few hours and be exposed to more triggers. So tonight my parents picked me up and we went for supper and then to Superstore. They spoiled me and bought me some shirts, socks, shampoo and chocolates. Ooooooooo retail therapy! I was disappointed in myself however, because I didn't do so well emotionally. I was extremely irritable, short with my words, and started having anxiety.
 I was very tense.
I thought I would do better.
 It's so sad that the people I love most always get the blunt end of the stick. It's always Ryan and my parents that get the worst side of me. I guess because I'm just most comfortable with them?
 This is something that the psychiatrist and I talked about today as well... the fact that a lot of the time my episodes are set off by Ryan, even though he doesn't do anything wrong. I'm realizing I have a very high need for love and acceptance from Ryan, and it's hard because our love languages are completely different. I have often struggled with feeling unloved and unsatisfied in our marriage, which makes me feel VERY depressed. So that is something I hope to work on while in hospital, and hopefully Ryan and I can be equipped with some helpful coping tools and then set up to do some counselling or something.
It's just hard because talking about my depression and expressing my emotions is something I need to do, and is healthy to do, but I know it gets to be too much for Ryan to handle. So learning when to keep my mouth shut and when to let it out is a process.
If anyone has any marriage advice, I'd welcome your words! :)

This afternoon Bev and Erin (a mother and daughter duo from my church) came to visit. Oh butt they are sweet! They brought me an americano (haha I love it!!) and sticky tack and index cards for me to write inspiration quotes/bible verses on to put up around my room. What a great idea hey?! I'll be honest, it is SO FUN when people come to visit me bearing gifts, haha, it just gets me so excited! Speaking of which, Ryan had flowers delivered to me today! What a sweetie!
Here is a photo (I only have my macbook to take pictures with so bare with me)...

A couple other things Bev, Erin and I discussed....

Why does God let some people go through such SHIT and other people have a relatively seamless life (of course everyone has their ups and downs.... but some people just get bombarded with problem after problem after problem) WHY?! It's not fair!

This question frustrates and confuses me.

Tonight I do not feel at peace. Things are not okay. I am hurting. And I don't have the energy to be positive, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with soaking in my sadness. And I'll leave it at that.

Day 4

Wow. Today has been a very busy day!

I got to meet with my psychiatrist for the first time since being admitted into hospital, and it was sooooo good! We talked for an hour and a half. I didn't feel like I was being rushed to talk or ask questions, and I felt like she was genuinely listening and caring towards what I was going through.

She said it was quite common for someone to come into hospital and feel kinda relieved, almost like a 'honeymoon' period because really I have no concerns or triggers when in a safe place like this (even if it is really uncomfortable and awkward...)

I felt very heard, and that made me glad.

I am starting on a new pill this evening called Lithium, and she upped my dosage of sleeping pills so hopefully I sleep soundly. I am soooo tired from not sleeping, but whenever I try and go to bed I get so "excited" and have racing thoughts and suddenly want to make art and write letters and read books. It's so frustrating.

Rose and the kids came to visit this afternoon and that was really helpful (she brought me an americano from jonny's, thank the Lord!), and it was just a really good distraction to play "store" with Neveah and talk to my sister (love you!)

Then Ryan and Erin and Kendall came to visit in the evening and that was also really good. Having visitors helps me so much! They all just listened attentively while I shared about my day, and I felt very cared for and loved. And of course, like anytime with Erin and Kendall, we shared some good laughs, and that helped me feel "normal". There have been some pretty funny things that have happened since being here, but everytime something happens it's "inappropriate" for me to laugh, so I have to keep it inside and try not to giggle, which I'm not very good at! But I'll wait to share all those stories with you in person when you come visit :)

Other than that I don't have a lot to say.

Thank you for your prayers and support, I can feel them all, I really can.

The support and love is overwhelming and really remarkable. 

I appreciate every word, every thought, every americano, every prayer.

spiritual snippets

day 3

I am sooooooo tired. Last night I tried a pill that was supposed to help me relax but not necessarily put me to sleep, and then I did a relaxation muscle exercise in hopes of helping me feel ready for bed. But no, I was still up around 2 am when they finally gave me a real sleeping pill, and then even that didn't work. Zero sleep. I got out of bed for breakfast and then came back to bed and had a "nap" from 9-10am. Yuck. 

I thought I'd share with you some spiritual themes that have been emerging in strange ways this last little while.

Psalm 139:
I always skim over this passage because I've read it a million times and "already know what it says". But it was brought to the forefront of my mind weeks back at the Equip seminar at my church. As a group we practiced the SOAP (Scripture, Observe, Apply, Pray) method of reading this passage. and verses 7-12 jumped out at me saying:
 "Is there any place I can go to avoid your Spirit? To be out of your sight?.... Then i said to myself 'oh, He sees me in the dark! At night I'm immersed in the light!' It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; night and day darkness and light, they're all the same to you"
After that day, I've been wanting to read this passage with Branches (the youth group I help lead) and see what they found in those words. 
And yesterday, a dear friend prayed this passage over me with lyrics from a song that was adapted from Psalm 139. It's just been a continuing passage on my mind....

The Almond Branch:
In one of my readings by Thomas Merton he refers to the almond trees several times, and that sparked curiosity in me. What do they represent? Merton was specifically referring to Jeremiah 1:11. Turns out that the word almond is pretty much the same word as "watch" in hebrew. The almond tree is known for blooming and bearing fruit before all the other trees, and maybe it represents God's faithfulness? It could also represent God's "judgement" and I say with hesitancy, because it sounds harsh but this is what Ted Enns Dyck says "It may be about judgement and this always seems negative to us, but often is God's process of purifying and bringing his people back into relationship. It also might mean that it is a sign to Jeremiah that God is going to move soon." 
So I think God is speaking this over me, that God is present and alive no matter what I'm going through and that he is faithfully WATCHING over me, like an almond tree. 

Mary:
Now this is weird to me, because I NEVER think of Mary (mother of Jesus) or anything to do with Mary really. But I'm in the Seeds Christmas play about a Christmas play (confusing right?) and my character ends up becoming Mary, and some of my lines are straight from the Bible when the angel speaks to Mary about bearing the Son of God. I was connecting to Mary and trying to "get into the role" and it touched my heart in a way I didn't expect. And then 5 minutes later my friend Jenny sends me a message using Mary as an example of how God can do anything (the same God who placed the Saviour in a virgins womb is walking with me in depression and bipolar).....

"Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.” Joshua 1:9

    "But now, God’s Message,
    the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
    the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
    all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
    That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,    trade the creation just for you." Isaiah 43:1-4

And then I'll just write parts of Isaiah 41 that have calmed my soul...

"Quiet down, far-flung ocean islands. Listen!

 Sit down and rest, everyone. Recover your strength.

Gather around me. Say what’s on your heart....

I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.

Don’t panic. I’m with you.

 There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.....

 That’s right. Because I, your God,

 have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go.

I’m telling you, ‘Don’t panic.

 I’m right here to help you.’

“Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob?

  Don’t be afraid.

Feel like a fragile insect, Israel?

I’ll help you,

I, God, want to reassure you.

 The God who buys you back, The Holy of Israel.

I’m transforming you from worm to harrow,

from insect to iron.

As a sharp-toothed harrow you’ll smooth out the mountains,

turn those tough old hills into loamy soil.

You’ll open the rough ground to the weather,

 to the blasts of sun and wind and rain.

But you’ll be confident and exuberant,

expansive in The Holy of Israel!

Dare I say this is a gift?!

Day 2

What did I do today?
-Despite my sleeping pill last night, I was up every hour/half hour, and never got into a deep sleep
-Felt very tired most of the morning and very unmotivated
-Jenny came to visit me and brought me an americano from jonny's java and that hit the spot! We puzzled and talked and just sat in quiet. It was really helpful for me to have her here
-Ryan came after supper (he had been running my craft sale booth all day) and brought some games and cookies (although we didnt play any games or eat many cookies) because I was pretty sad and discouraged (I didnt do as well in the craft sale as I had hoped)


How have I been feeling?
I've actually been feeling pretty good. Last night I didn't have an episode and I haven't today either. When I was here in 2011 the same thing happened. I never had an episode the entire time I was here. I was talking to my nurse about that yesterday. It's almost frustrating that I dont have episodes here because it makes me feel like I'm here for no reason. She said that it's actually quite common for someone to come into hospital and be relieved of major depression/suicidal thoughts and stuff because I'm in a safe place with no temptations to hurt myself. That, and I'm not comfortable enough here to "show my true colours".
Talking with Jenny today helped me realize that maybe I should stay here at least for a little while, and I was able to understand why, but I still don't WANT to, and I still haven't decided if I will go home on Monday or not.

Goals:
My nurse also asked me if I had any goals to work towards upon discharge. If I could leave here completely healthy what would that look like?
I wasn't sure, as I just wanted to leave asap and didn't care about any goals. But upon more prodding, I was able to say I would want to leave here in control of my emotions. (at this point i had been crying for half an hour straight, very tense body, very anxious). To me, being in control of my emotions meant not having any episodes (defined my outrage, yelling, rolling around the floor sobbing, not being able to communicate etc). But she suggested that being in control of my emotions also meant not crying all the time and having my anxiety under control. WHAT?! That's possible?! It made me realize how long I've been living in depression. It's become my normal. I can live a life where I find CONSISTENT enjoyment in activities and be able to go uptown without anxiety? She said, the fact that I wasn't even able to BELIEVE I could have a life like that was the very depth of depression. Hopeless.

My situation tells me things are hopeless. But I do not feel hopeless. My situation tells me that I should feel like a failure. But I do not feel like a failure. My situation tells me that I should feel like I'm being punished. But I do not feel like I am being punished.
In fact, I feel hope-FULL. Yes, my heart aches sometimes, wrenching in pain, but I can see God moving in all this. I would have NEVER been able to say that last time I was here. Growth.
I've been reading this little book called "On Christian Contemplation" by Thomas Merton. It's basically a bunch of little paragraphs and quotes by Merton from various books of his throughout the years.
Contemplative prayer has been so helpful for me. I have my own little beef/doubts about prayer in general (more on that another time), but with contemplative prayer, I feel so relaxed, so peaceful. I feel like I am ENOUGH in my broken-ness. I feel like God is NEAR.

"Prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and your heart turns to stone. If you have never had any distractions you don't know how to pray. For the secret of prayer is a hunger for God and for the vision of God, a hunger that lies far deeper than the level of language or affection. And a man whose memory and imagination are persecuting him with a crowd of useless or even evil thoughts and images may sometimes be forced to pray far better, in the depths of his murdered heart, than one whose mind is swimming with clear concepts and brilliant purposes and easy acts of love" Thomas Merton

Reading this makes me feel greatful (DARE I SAY THAT?!) for what is happening to me right now. I am suffering so bad, it is allowing me to access depths of Jesus I wouldn't be able to access if I wasn't in pain! Dare I say this is a gift?! oooooo controversy.

I just want to say THANK YOU for reading this. It is really therapeutic for me to write this blog, knowing that my friends and family are backing me up. I think that's one big difference of being here this time around. Last time, it was all "hush hush richelle's in eden, nobody can know" and now I don't give a rats ass who knows i'm in here! Your continued support means a lot to me, and I would love visitors! I think we will be getting a bit of a visitor system into place soon, but if you want to visit me, please just facebook message/email me, as I can have internet most of the time.